Bowling and Balling

by John DAgostino, Eccentric Outsider Artist, a.k.a. The John Dog

No demon fighting today.  I got to strategize on that issue some more.  Right now, I'm using the 'Dave's not here' ploy.  By staying stoned they can't see that the lights are on and maybe somebody is at home. But there'll be no drinking today, just the smoke, got to keep up the screen.  I need to hit the books.  Dust off the old volumes that I have stored in some boxes some where.  All those books that I collected in Africa and Miami weighed a ton and cost a pretty penny to bring with me to Turkey.  But, I'm glad that I have them close.  I have a feeling they are going to be very useful.  So here I stand ragged and dirty, but I'm hip. Time to pass the bottle to Hank and let him get on with today's story.  Here Hank have a sip.

Cruised on up to Bear Mountain this afternoon. Got me an invite to a friend's cabin in the woods.  I met this guy Ernie Mc Cracken at a bowling alley bar in North Hollywood.  Who would have know that we would become good friends and he would 'strike' it rich on the professional bowler's tour.  I thought he was just another bum like me hanging at the Easy Pick Up Bar on lady's league night.  And at the time he probably was.  So we're gulping down JBs and Tab looking for a little late night girlie action.  Some of the ladies were just closing out their tenth frames.  Soon they'd be returning their shoes and heading to the bar to drown their sorrows or celebrate their moments of glory.

The place was getting full. Big Ern and I had stools at the bar.   Perched up high we could peruse the room for lonely losers.  Team K-Mart entered en masse but soon split into smaller groups.  Ones with hubbys and boyfriends sat at a large booth together. The stars of the night, the high rollers, single and sexy stopped at the bar for a quick drink before heading to the disco. I spied two sweet young thangs go sit down at a table by themselves.  Both of them had straight sandy blonde hair and green eyes.  Their beasts were average but they each had some fine child bearing hips.  I was scrutinizing their features trying to decide which one I would hit on and I realized that they were identical twins.

I gave Mc Cracken a nudge, "Check it out, blue light special at table 8."  We moved it on over to where they were sitting and asked if we could join them.  They agreed but didn't seem overly enthusiastic.  We both said at exactly the same time, Why, thank you Sally and Suzy.  We looked at each other with perplexed amazement. Weird I know, but we were on the same wave length back then.  Bowling bars are the best place to find women and you have an advantage that you don't have in other dives.  You already know your potential date's name.  It's embroidered on the front of their shirts right in front of your face.

Sensing that the girls hadn't picked up all their spares that night I asked them how'd they do.  Sally's three game total was 183.  Her last game she rolled a 69, which ain't a bad number but it's a lousy score that lost the match for the team.  Suzy did no better, leaving a lot of open frames and tossing a fare amount of goose eggs. We ordered, double Southern Comfort shots for our gutter ball queens and got a couple more drinks ourselves. After a while they started to loosen up, we all started to laugh.  Sally asked if we were bowlers and what team we played for.  Big Ern jokingly said in a loud drunken slur, "We're on the worse team in the league. We both work at Blue Suede Shoes in the Kingston Mall.  That place is the pits. We're members of the Blue Ballers bowling team."  I added, "But maybe you could help us out with that.  We haven't been practicing enough lately."  They giggled.

You know what they say, "Unlucky at the lanes, lucky in love".  We had a few more rounds of drinks, munched on stale pretzels, and lied about our lives.  Last call came.  We had shots of schnapps for the road and all left together.  Sally and Suzy had a 2 bedroom apartment not far from the alley, so we left our cars in the parking lot and walked to their place.  Suzy had her eye on Ernie and I had my eye on Sally so that's the way we split up.  No group sex, no wild orgy, nothing kinky going on tonight.  Sally and I shared peppermint kisses in the dark and slipped into bed.  We celebrated her loosing score by getting into that position and comforting each other with our tongues.  We licked away life's everyday defeats and humiliations and sucked away the doubts in ourselves that they bring.

I could hear growling and barking coming from the other room.  Big Ern was doing his Wolf Man Jack impression and howling at the moon.  Suzy's laughter sliced through the thin plasterboard and we could feel the vibrations of the headboard banging against the wall.  This went on for some time.  Sally and I smoked a few cigs and talked then took turns washing up in the bathroom.  Things got quiet in the other room and we finally feel asleep.

Breakfast was polite.  We drank instant coffee and ate toast and honey.  Suzy and Sally had to be at work by 10 so we didn't have a lot of time. We all exchanged phone numbers and promised we'd call.  And we did.  Sally and I continued our affair.  Sometimes Big Ern and Suzy would double date with us.  We'd go to the movies or bowling together.  It soon became clear that Big Ern was yanking our chains when he told us that he couldn't bowl.  We could play 3 against one and he'd still beat us.  Ern found another girl or two and dumped Suzy after about 2 months.  Sally was promoted and sent to another K-Mart store up state.  I get a card from her 'bout every other Christmas.  She's married and has two or three kids, and a dog named Munson.  I sincerely wish her luck.  Keeping a relationship rolling and staying together for the long haul is harder than picking up a 7-10 split.

So, I'm on my way to see the Big E.  It's been ten years.  Sally and Suzy won't be there, but Ern has invited a couple of southern belles by the names on Linda Lou and Betty Sue.  My old beat up V W chugs slowly up the mountain road.  The countryside is beautiful and the air is fresh.   I'm the last to arrive when I finally get there.  Big Ern greets me on the porch and gives me a big bear hug which lifts me off my feet, an appropriate gesture being that we are on Bear Mountain.  It was a long drive but there are no short cuts to any place worth going.

We go inside and I meet this weekend's party crowd. Linda Lou and Betty Sue are both buxom blonde bombshells.  And if that don't beat all, they are twins.  Ern turns to me and says, "Just like old times eh, buddy.  We had some good times back in Hollywood, didn't we?"  I meet the famous comedienne Sarah Silverman, for the first time and this strange looking skinny Spanish dude by the name of Jesus Quintano.  He's a pal of Big Ern's from the lanes.  He's wearing tight fitting purple pants with a purple bowling shirt to match. Jesus is written above the pocket.  Apparently, he just flew in from a tournament in Reno and his suitcase got lost.  Luckily, it's been found and the airline is sending it over by courier.

We have plenty of supplies for the weekend.  Ern's got steaks for the grill.  The girls have made potato salad.  Sarah baked a cherry pie.  The fridge and the deep freeze are full.  Big Ern has big bucks and he doesn't mind spending it on his friends.  When it comes to friends Big Ern is a generous guy. He knows, "That if you give a little, you get a lot."  Jesus brought a one gallon jug of Yago Sangria.  I came bearing bottles of gin, vodka, and vermouth, so that folks could have their choice of martinis.  Ern's liquor cabinet was already full, but it's the thought that counts in these situations and you can never have enough booze in the house on a long summer weekend.

It was early afternoon.  Ern had just got the fire going, but it would be a half hour or so before any cooking could be done.  We were all sitting on the back porch and pouring liberal amounts of alcohol down our throats.  Sarah and Ern were big cut ups. At points they had us rolling on the ground.  We were all really plowed. Ern forgot to throw the steaks on the fire and they sat there on a table by the grill drawing flies like soldiers to a peep show.

We began to talk of funny films that we had seen. Big Ern's favorite was Ground hog Day.  The Tennessee twins liked all the Dumb and Dumber movies.  I hadn't seen a comedy in a long time, but I recently saw 'Grizzly' which made me somewhat apprehensive about accepting Ern's invitation to his cabin on Bear Mountain.  Speak of the devil and he appears. A little brownie must have smelled the steaks and was stiffing around the grill.  He takes the raw meat and wolfs it down in a split second then licks his jowls.  This cub must have been a circus bear, freed from captivity, and returned to the wild.  His ear was tagged. He spots an unopened bottle of gin on the table, grins, grabs it, and twists off the cap.  He downs the quart as fast as he ate the steaks.

Sarah smiles and say, "Isn't he a cute one."  Smokey looks up, claps his paws, burps, and falls over on his back.  Circus bear or not the rest of us are ill at ease with a drunken bear 10 feet away.  Sarah say, "Not to worry, He reminds me of an Italian boyfriend that I once had, only Guido was a lot hairier." "I'll take care of him and he'll go happily along his way and back to the woods with a smile on his face." To our horror she walks over to the bear and starts scratching his furry belly.  The little brownie burps again.  There's a twinkle in his eye.  Sarah moves her hand lower and we can see that the little bear is getting a big erection.  None of us have seen anything this freaky before.  She slowly massages his dick and takes it in her mouth. The girls winch in disgust, but Big Ern, Jesus, and I can't help but watch.  She finishes him off with her hand. He burps again, gets up, and trots off into the forest.

Well, I had always heard that Jewish princesses were the best at giving head, but now I've seen everything.  The whole bizarre scene makes me think of something a wise stranger in a cowboy hat once told me back at the Easy Pick Up Bar, something very deep.  In his thick Texas drawl he said, "Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you." I never understood it before, but I think I'm getting the picture. A very profound remark indeed.